Delayed Gratification???

If anyone has been following my life for the past year, then they will know of the great metamorphosis my life has experienced. Last June I made two goals, and lofty goals indeed: health and happiness. But these are big goals and I had to plot intermediate steps between each goal in order to achieve them. How many people really plot out the mini goals in life? I knew that being healthy enough to return to school and work would make me happy, but I did not understand what an arduous journey it would be to get each goal accomplished.

So, how does one go about making a complete life change in 1 year? First, I found the right medications for me to be able to cope with my illnesses. Then I had to get my license renewed and car in shape after being parked for more than a year due to my own fears of hurting others. Next, I realized that I needed to get myself in shape in order to handle the stressors of life. I became vegetarian and have lost 75 lbs in a year and a half. This would eventually add energy and spice to my life as I began taking better care of my body which forgot about taking care of me many years ago. Finally I had to learn to socialize again without being emotionally crippled by my physical situation. I started attending singles activities, started dating, and dancing and even met a friend that I am sure to have for the rest of our lives. I new that I had to start tutoring again in order to regain my lost Latin skills, so I took on two students to tutor every week. I applied to a graduate program and even went on the interview, but without financial resources I stopped the process temporarily. Finally, realizing that I had to become independent and learn to live a life according to what I loved, so I applied for several teaching jobs, one of which I just finished my 2nd interview for hire.

Wow! Much people never accomplish that much in a lifetime! I was quite dismayed at the fact that I would have to wait for two weeks to find out if I got the job. I wanted to treat myself to some retail therapy for all of the hard work that I had done. Pedicure, clothing, jewelry, make-up, and a new teaching bag were all on my list of “gratifications” for a goal accomplished. However, the more that I reviewed the situation, I realized that I had been given my health, my independence, my strength, my desire, and my calling in return for all the hard work that I had done. Gratification was received at every step along the way.

I do not need those objects to show myself that I accomplished something. I already know it in my head, my soul, my spirit, and my smile. Mind you, I still look forward to splurging a little on myself, but I am already victorious and reaping the benefits of all the efforts sewn. In the end, my high school Latin teacher (and Vergil) were correct: Perhaps once it will be glad to remember these things! (The Aeneid, Vergil, II. 232-234)

Looking Before Leaping

Do you ever wondering if it is always best to look before you leap?  Sometimes, the apprehension of falling keeps us from leaping in the first place.  Recently, I began reading a book by Paulo Coelho entitled The Fifth Mountain.  In the book, Mr. Coelho states that the paths that are chosen for us are ours to follow alone.  No matter how much we try to avoid them, all experiences lead back to the same path.

Those who know me know that my path was chosen in high school.  Since graduating, I have attempted to circumvent this several times, but that path is where I find my greatest happiness.  In my life, all roads do lead to Rome.  I am currently looking at a teaching job that I know will take away any energy that I have left, available economic resources that I worked tirelessly to obtain, and perhaps derail many actions already taken.  However, the benefit does outweigh the risk. I compiled a list of pros and cons, like I always do.  The cons are sky-high, but so are the rewards!  In this instance, the act of looking is scarier than just blindly leaping.

We will never get lemonade if we only complain about how sour the lemons are in the first place.

Requiem for a Dream (Haiku Format)

Silent Somnus step

Upon the eyelids of babes

Bring calmness once again.

The warmth of the brace

Of Virgo’s arms around the waist

Silence the Lion’s roar.

The Graces are constant

Dancing in eternal Spring

Let me age no more.

The Shechinah meets

Her Bridegroom at soft twilight

Mate in eternal Bliss.

Give to me,  Shema,

The blessings of our dear Youth.

Let me week alone.

Take away this Pain

Filling my Heart and my Brain

Trouble rains on me.

The Missing Lambda

Recently, I was used by a man who stole my car, money, and belongings just to sell them to others or give them away to strangers.  Since then, I have been “going through the motions” of everyday life: going to the doctor, tutoring, cooking dinner, applying for work, etc.  I even have found a new friend and started a social life once again.  I started my hopeful book, and went to a grad school interview.

Unfortunately, having been taken advantage of, I began losing faith in myself.  I picked up a purse to find a keychain which said Melissa in Ancient Greek that had been broken on the day my belongings were stolen.  Where all of the letters had been there before, now the letter Lambda was missing.  I immediately realized the symbolism.  Without the lambda, my name would only mean “bee.”  I had lost the “honey” which I had always given knowing that a sting might come, but once it did, I lost my sweetness.  The things that make me take the bad is now gone.  I don’t know how or when I will replace that missing “lambda”, but I know that without it, I only feel the sting of the bee.

Cleaning House!

Well, I never thought the day would come when I would actually have to “Clean House.”  It is spring and the cat is shedding, so I must do the same.  So much has happened in the last year that I need to clean my own space, my mind, my soul, and my spirit.

In the past year, I have lost almost 75 lbs. (shrinking almost 4 sizes), been hospitalized twice for depression, became vegetarian (September 2009), began tutoring Latin again, starting dating, applied to graduate school, reclaimed my religion, and have actually started “looking ahead.”  Then it happened.  I was used by a man  who stole my car, money, and belongings while I was sick and only trying to help someone else who seemed down on his luck.  Then, my best friend of 6 years got married and I learned of it via a social networking site.  I was not good enough for either of these men, and I let it hurt me.  I now hurt deeply.

However, I cannot allow myself to float down into that dark abyss any longer.  I need to carry on with my life and go forward.  Dwelling on negative events gets us nowhere.  I guess that I will keep repeating that until I actually feel the affirmations working.  I am going to have to get “where I live” and remodel.  Yes, remodel for my own good.  I need to cut the crap, throw away things that are garbage and only leave negativity, take a positive stance for myself, and conquer the loneliness and worthlessness that hovers like a black cloud.  I don’t know where to begin, and it may take me a week of list-making in order to figure that out for myself.

Luckily, I have 2 new friends who share in my illnesses and a sister that needs me as much as I need her.  I would rather have that handful of friends than all of the acquaintances in the world!  Hopefully, they will help me achieve stasis and keep me busy in my time of need just as I have done and will continue to do in theirs.

Please help me figure out where to begin the change!

Fibro Flair!

I am looking into creating a local support group for those of us suffering from Fibromyalgia in the community.  Please leave any comments, helpful websites, or useful information that may help me in this endeavor.