Cleaning House!

Well, I never thought the day would come when I would actually have to “Clean House.”  It is spring and the cat is shedding, so I must do the same.  So much has happened in the last year that I need to clean my own space, my mind, my soul, and my spirit.

In the past year, I have lost almost 75 lbs. (shrinking almost 4 sizes), been hospitalized twice for depression, became vegetarian (September 2009), began tutoring Latin again, starting dating, applied to graduate school, reclaimed my religion, and have actually started “looking ahead.”  Then it happened.  I was used by a man  who stole my car, money, and belongings while I was sick and only trying to help someone else who seemed down on his luck.  Then, my best friend of 6 years got married and I learned of it via a social networking site.  I was not good enough for either of these men, and I let it hurt me.  I now hurt deeply.

However, I cannot allow myself to float down into that dark abyss any longer.  I need to carry on with my life and go forward.  Dwelling on negative events gets us nowhere.  I guess that I will keep repeating that until I actually feel the affirmations working.  I am going to have to get “where I live” and remodel.  Yes, remodel for my own good.  I need to cut the crap, throw away things that are garbage and only leave negativity, take a positive stance for myself, and conquer the loneliness and worthlessness that hovers like a black cloud.  I don’t know where to begin, and it may take me a week of list-making in order to figure that out for myself.

Luckily, I have 2 new friends who share in my illnesses and a sister that needs me as much as I need her.  I would rather have that handful of friends than all of the acquaintances in the world!  Hopefully, they will help me achieve stasis and keep me busy in my time of need just as I have done and will continue to do in theirs.

Please help me figure out where to begin the change!

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Change is in the Air

“Something’s wrong with the world today.  Don’t know what it is…”

For the past week, I have barely been able to get out of the bed.  I know that some kind of change is in the air.  I have been going strong for over a month and then BAM!, like a load of bricks falling out of the sky.  The fragrant smells of honeysuckle no longer linger in the air way past dusk.  Golden pollen doesn’t litter the surface of the pond outside my door.  The day grows shorter as we grow closer to Rosh Hoshanah. 

This is usually my favorite part of year.  Kids are in school reciting their multiplication tables and reading Newberry Award Winners.  Homework assignments and shopping lists clutter the door of the refridgerator.  Little art projects can be found everywhere.  Persephone is preparing for her annual return to Hades.  Maple trees grow into glorious flaming torches.  Men are cutting grass for the last time this year.  However, my heart and head are heavy, too much so for this young body.

Autumn is coming earlier than usual this year.  The weather has already turned a little cooler.  The animals are soaking in all of the sun they can.  I wonder what is in store for us…  I listen to the wind and hear silence…  Perhaps it is waiting to see what is just around the corner.  There is little anticipation.  Still I sit and wait for the expected.

Once I read on a tombstone that Time was the Eater of Things.  It truly is.  Sometimes I awake to find that Time has swallowed up the entire day.  I hope that it eagerly gulps the next several weeks as we pack, lug boxes, sort through belongings and prepare to move into our new home.  This is a change that I welcome with open arms.  More room to move, more room to breathe, more room to grow, more room to display all of my books.  This change in season will close the doors to an extremely hard year and hopefully open a new, rewarding chapter of Life.  Hashem knows that it may be exactly what I need in order to progress.

“To Everything There Is A Season”

Tonight I had a lovely chat with my dear old friend who just lost a child to miscarriage.  She has miraculously turned this personal tragedy into a triumph by creating her own foundation called Snowflakes of Hope (http://www.snowflakesofhope.faithweb.com/) for those who have suffered the loss of a child to miscarriage or stillbirth.  Talking with her and viewing her site reminded me of my own loss.

Loss runs deep and wide in my world.  I have lost my health due to chronic migraines and severe Fibromyalgia.  I have lost my chosen career because I was too sick to work.  I have lost my love and best friend because he was unable to cope with my illnesses.  I have lost my independence and moved back home after being ill.  I even lost the will to continue on this path shortly after the death of my close cousin.  Yet, with every loss, I find that there is something to be gained.

When I lost my health, I gained faith.  When I lost my career, I gained hope.  When I lost my love, I regained my family.  When I lost my independence, I gained the world of expression.  And when I lost my cousin, I gained the love of her 10 year old daughter who has come to live with us.  Now I am helping to raise a challenging child, using my talents as a teacher, seeking help for my illnesses, inquiring about returning to school, and attending religious services.  “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under Heaven.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1)  Seasons are changing.  I can feel the winds beginning to blow.

Evergreen Grrrl!

This past summer I was hospitalized for perhaps the worse bout of depression I have ever experienced.  This is probably why I chose “To Write Love On Her Arms” as my SocialVibe charity of choice.   Having reached an all time low, with my disability due to chronic migraines and severe fibromyalgia, being unable to teach or finish graduate school, losing my life love, moving back to BFE, and finally the death of my close cousin, I lost the will to continue down this path we call life.

While in the hospital, I met a lovely man who very quickly became a close companion.  Before leaving his stent at the hospital, he drew an amazing picture and gave copies to all of those that had touched him while he was there.  This pencil drawing depicted all of the things that led him to his place in life.  On the bottom, he wrote: “Stay green.”  I pondered over this image for a second because there was nothing “GREEN” about it.  Not even the paper it was drawn on had been recycled.  I asked him what he meant by the phrase and he so eloquently stated that to be green is to be young, always willing to know and grow, taking in all that surrounds us, easily adaptable, and ready for change.

He had no knowledge of my own personal quests: religion, health, independence, wisdom, love, and a greater view of myself and the change that I could make for myself or others.  So I have now adopted this motto of “staying green,” hence the title of this blog.  I hope that you will allow me to travel this road at my own pace with the guidance of those sages that inspire me daily.  I encourage you to travel this road as well, stay evergreen, and allow the grrrl to express herself.