Cleaning House!

Well, I never thought the day would come when I would actually have to “Clean House.”  It is spring and the cat is shedding, so I must do the same.  So much has happened in the last year that I need to clean my own space, my mind, my soul, and my spirit.

In the past year, I have lost almost 75 lbs. (shrinking almost 4 sizes), been hospitalized twice for depression, became vegetarian (September 2009), began tutoring Latin again, starting dating, applied to graduate school, reclaimed my religion, and have actually started “looking ahead.”  Then it happened.  I was used by a man  who stole my car, money, and belongings while I was sick and only trying to help someone else who seemed down on his luck.  Then, my best friend of 6 years got married and I learned of it via a social networking site.  I was not good enough for either of these men, and I let it hurt me.  I now hurt deeply.

However, I cannot allow myself to float down into that dark abyss any longer.  I need to carry on with my life and go forward.  Dwelling on negative events gets us nowhere.  I guess that I will keep repeating that until I actually feel the affirmations working.  I am going to have to get “where I live” and remodel.  Yes, remodel for my own good.  I need to cut the crap, throw away things that are garbage and only leave negativity, take a positive stance for myself, and conquer the loneliness and worthlessness that hovers like a black cloud.  I don’t know where to begin, and it may take me a week of list-making in order to figure that out for myself.

Luckily, I have 2 new friends who share in my illnesses and a sister that needs me as much as I need her.  I would rather have that handful of friends than all of the acquaintances in the world!  Hopefully, they will help me achieve stasis and keep me busy in my time of need just as I have done and will continue to do in theirs.

Please help me figure out where to begin the change!

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“To Everything There Is A Season”

Tonight I had a lovely chat with my dear old friend who just lost a child to miscarriage.  She has miraculously turned this personal tragedy into a triumph by creating her own foundation called Snowflakes of Hope (http://www.snowflakesofhope.faithweb.com/) for those who have suffered the loss of a child to miscarriage or stillbirth.  Talking with her and viewing her site reminded me of my own loss.

Loss runs deep and wide in my world.  I have lost my health due to chronic migraines and severe Fibromyalgia.  I have lost my chosen career because I was too sick to work.  I have lost my love and best friend because he was unable to cope with my illnesses.  I have lost my independence and moved back home after being ill.  I even lost the will to continue on this path shortly after the death of my close cousin.  Yet, with every loss, I find that there is something to be gained.

When I lost my health, I gained faith.  When I lost my career, I gained hope.  When I lost my love, I regained my family.  When I lost my independence, I gained the world of expression.  And when I lost my cousin, I gained the love of her 10 year old daughter who has come to live with us.  Now I am helping to raise a challenging child, using my talents as a teacher, seeking help for my illnesses, inquiring about returning to school, and attending religious services.  “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under Heaven.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1)  Seasons are changing.  I can feel the winds beginning to blow.